Todd Stadler's blog

king fry-day

Today was a great day for me and the fast food consumers of these United States. For today was the french fry taste test. Let me explain.

A few weeks back, Gerry saw an ad in the paper asking "Do you like french fries?" I'm not sure if that's supposed to be rhetorical or what, since I'm fairly sure that's the number one vegetable in America. Anyhow, he gave me the number for the Food Innovation Center. I waited a few days, so as to avoid the inevitable busy signals from millions of Oregonians calling in to pledge their love for fried potato sticks, and called and left a message.

For a few days afterwards, I received no call back, and I assumed I had been deemed not worthy of the french fry taste test. After all, hadn't I had a few meals without french fries? Maybe I had accidentally had chips or onion rings on the side. Was I really prepared for the ultimate test in fry connoisseurship?

After those agonizing days of self-examination, it turned out I was deemed worthy. I was told to appear at said innovation center, without having eaten for thirty minutes, and wearing no perfume or cologne. Those were sacrifices I was prepared to make.

All in all, it was an exciting view into the future of food. I was given a number and told to go sit in a booth in a room where everything was white. I could see nobody else, and I could talk to nobody else. I was told to wait for the little door in front of me to slide open, then follow the instructions I was given. Just like being a lab rat, only with a smaller chance of dying!

For a while, I considered that the whole setup was instead a psychological experiment. For as I sat there waiting, I could hear those in the neighboring white booths eating fries. The smell of browned potato filled the air, as did the crinkling of grease-marred wrappers. I kept looking around my booth to see if I was missing my instructions. Would I, in fact, get any fries? This was, after all, my planned dinner for the evening.

It turns out I had nothing to fear. The door opened and out slid a tray with two small servings of fries in white wrappers, each numbered differently. I was told to eat a few of one bag, and a few of the other, then answer some questions. Then I was told to eat as many fries of each as I wanted, and answer even more questions.

And did they leave no stone unturned! How is the flavor? How potatoey is it? How is the texture? How about the crispiness? What do you think of their appearance? What about the color? Are they too dark or too light? How is the aftertaste? Are they too oily? Too salty? And so on, and so on. I'd never before realized how many axes define the total fry experience. Truly, this day would change the way I viewed fries forever.

After the first set of two bags, I put the tray back and was given another two bags. Four small bags of fries isn't too bad, even if I only had water to wash them down with. The fries varied over all the potential axes I mentioned, but it seemed that there was a definite trend towards what I call the "new fry".

This is that creation - and that is the best word for it - that is served by Jack in the Box and Burger King. It is a very crispy fry, but it isn't very reminiscent of its potato origins. It retains heat well, has an odd texture to it, and tastes of "fry", that intangible flavor that comes in so many Long John Silver items, for example. I have read that in Burger King's case, this is due to a lactose coating. I'm not sure.

What I do know is that, although unnatural, these new fries are tasty. So I voted for them over and over. My apologies to those out there who enjoyed their fries more potato-ish. But honestly, if you want real vegetables, what are you doing in a fast food restaurant?