Todd Stadler's blog

Response to investment scam #1, part 2

Dear Miss Brown,

I'm sorry I haven't gotten back to you lately. I went on a trip to Sweden and other northern European countries. If I'd been thinking, I would have tried to swing by Holland so we could talk face-to-face. You seem nice enough. But I was having so much fun eating fish, I totally forgot about our business deal. My bad.

FROM:MIRS MALDALEN BROWN,
ATTN: WILL.STALDER.

DEAR WILL,

THANK YOU FOR YOUR LATEST E-MAIL. I WANT TO CONGRATULATE YOU FOR YOUR EFFORT AND GESTURE TO ASSIST ME IN THIS GOOD WORK. THE NEXT THING REQUIRED FROM YOU IS FOR YOU TO SEND ME YOUR WITH THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION TO ENABLE ME CONTACT THE SECURITY COMPANY TO RELEASE THE FUND TO ON MY BEHALF AS SOON AS YOU ARRIVE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

Um, yeah. About my "effort" — really, it wasn't anything. I spent a few minutes typing up an e-mail.

But listen ... I have no idea what your last sentence there means at all. I'm enjoying our little penpal dealy here and all, but if this is going to continue, I really think you should brush up on your English. It's not like I'm going to learn Dutch or whatever, you know?

But for what it's worth, I've already arrived in the United States of America. Well, in one sense, I mean — I got back from Sweden. I haven't "arrived" in the sense of having made my dreams come true or anything like that. Because my dream is to be famous one day.

I won't ask you about your goals because I know you're gonna die soon and all.

KINDLY FORWARD YOUR FULL NAME, PHISICAL ADDRESS TEL&FAX LINE WERE TO REACH YOU FOR FURTHER CONVERSATION WITH THE SECURITY COMPANY TO ENABLE THEM KNOW WHEN YOU ARE COMING FOR THE FUND.

I AM AWAITING YOUR URGENT REPLY IMMEDIATELY. THANKS AND GOD BLESS YOU.

SINCERELY YOURS,
MRS MALDALEN BROWN.

Look, this whole all-caps thing is kind of unsettling me. Maybe you don't know this (or maybe your previous sticky-shift-key problem has gotten way out of hand), but in America, typing in all caps is considered rude. It looks like you're shouting or something.

In fact, it has me wondering if maybe this business deal is the right thing for me. I mean, don't get me wrong — you've been nice, I guess.

But there's clearly a lot of cultural differences between us, like with the typos and the all-caps and your being from Holland and all. And I'm not sure I have enough time to really learn all about your culture before you die.

Then, and I hesitated to mention this in my first e-mail, there's the whole thing about my not knowing much about money and business deals. Clearly you're a friendly person, but I've heard of some people getting ripped off by internet scams. I don't want to be that guy, you know?

Maybe you could just send some Euros in an envelope or something, and I'll put them in the offering plate next week?

Or, if that isn't your thing, you could just send a photo, and we could write each other e-mails about how different our cultures are. That could be fun. At least until you die, I guess.

Let me know what you want to do.