Todd Stadler's blog

Where's the Pork?

I received a rather curt message on my answering machine a few weeks ago from a man who left only his name and phone number.

When he called me back, I found out he was a lawyer for the National Pork Board.

There's something about being greeted by a voice on the phone that says, "I'm a lawyer with the National Pork Board" that sends a chill down a man's spine, you know?

Although the man was very nice, he made clear that the people he represented had a problem with a Web page of mine.

Why does this keep happening to me?

The Web page in question, a questionably humorous satire of a kids' page praising the variety of pork by-products, unfortunately had at the bottom the claim that it was "a service of the National Pork People Council in cooperation with the National Pork Board."

Never mind that the "National Pork People Council" doesn't exist (although an organization with its initials does), the people at the National Pork Board were worried that somebody might confuse my page with the real propaganda found elsewhere.

He even claimed that some people had contacted the National Pork Board, expressing confusion. I imagine the calls went something like this:

NPB: Hello, National Pork Board help center. How may I help you?

Man: Uh, yeah. I was just on that Google search engine, you know, and I was searchin' for National Pork Board thingamabobs, so I typed in "National Pork Board thingamabobs" and I got this page, right?

NPB: Okay sir. Were you directed to the official National Pork Board Web page on thingamabobs? I think that should answer any question you might have about pork thingamabobs.

Man: Well, see, that's the problem. I found this page that talks about pork and thingamabobs, and so I'm thinkin' I've found what I need to answer my question, right? But then I start reading it. And now I'm not so sure who made this page.

NPB: Okay, sir, at this point I'm obligated to state that we at the National Pork Board do not recommend you read information from outside sources. Many organizations, such as the Marxist-backed Center for Science in the Public Interest, the communist-leaning American Medical Association, and various so-called "health groups" will tell you that pork is a little bit unhealthy and should be eaten in moderation. These groups, which are really little more than fronts for megalomaniacal, fat cat trial lawyers, have been scientifically proven to be pathological liars. So are you sure this page you found wasn't one generated by or approved of by the National Pork Board, "a source of pork information you can trust"?

Man: See, I don't know. The Web page address says something about Aracnet and "~stadler", which makes it look like, I don't know, a personal home page or something. The URL, if you will, doesn't say anything about pork. And none of the links on the page link to anything that looks like an official National Pork Board Web page, much less to anything about pork at all. So right then, I'm thinking, "Hey, maybe this isn't an officially sanctioned Web page."

NPB: Uh huh.

Man: And then I start, you know, readin' the page itself. And it says not only are thingamabobs made from pork by-products, but bric-a-brac, knick-knacks, and whatchamacallits, too. Now I got a knick-knack right here that's made from wood, and it doesn't have any pig parts in it at all.

NPB: Sir, my best advice to you would be to stop reading that Web page right now and go out and have a double serving of bacon. We'll call the lawyers.

But see, the thing is, this conversation didn't take place. And while that should be painfully obvious to all but the most dense out there, I have to say that explicitly so that the National Pork Lawyers' Association doesn't call me back up and sue me out of existence.

And the National Pork Lawyers' Association doesn't even exist! But lawyers can get so testy that they'll form such an organization and then sue you! It's true! It happened to a friend of mine!

As a side note, "National Pork Lawyers' Association" was the phrase I substituted for the legally-disputed "National Pork Board" on the Web page in question. The lawyer on the phone said I could use any phrase besides "National Pork Board". So I said, "Really? Any phrase?" and he said, "Yes."

And yet, nobody has brought up suing me over this tiny act of impishness. Sometimes, lawyers have to go out for dinner and forget who they were threatening to sue when they became hungry.

However, I find it strange that although googling for "National Pork People Council" still turns up the page in question, searching for "National Pork Lawyer's Assocation", a phrase that also exists on that page, turns up nothing. Clearly, while the lawyers have refrained from suing me, they are still exercising their eerie powers.

Although I was originally going to close with a bunch of highly-topical lawyer jokes to add some comedy to this posting (the lawyer who insisted I change the wording on my Web page at one point asked me, "Are you a comedian or something?"), I'll instead leave you with a few highly-topical links:

• Para los que hablen español y no comprendan ninguna otra palabra en este cuento, hay un, um, Website-o para ustedes: www.elcerdoesbueno.com. ¡Qué buen negocio!
• I think it's rather humorous that at the official Pork4Kids Web site (and thank the heavens somebody finally thought of the children; pork isn't just for adults, you know?) has a Flash application called Make a Pig Costume that guides you in making said costume, the crowning touch on which is a paper mask you print out on paper and color in yourself. This after having spent who knows how much time and money on, per their guidance: a pink sweatsuit, cotton batting, a glue gun, and other accessories. You're gonna top all that with a paper mask. Right. Anyhow, one of the mask options is that of a pig that resembles Frankenstein. What genius at the National Pork Board thought a Frankenpig would be a positive image for the pork industry?
• Only marginally related to pork, of course, is the hot dog. But are you experiencing ennui with your current wiener? If so, you may need the Octodog Frankfurter Converter. You can look at a picture of an "octodog", the resultant converted frankfurter, but I wouldn't if I were you, and I'm not even bothered by tales of what goes into hot dogs. Heck, I can't even read this step in the instructions without questioning many of the fundamental aspects of my belief system.
• Of course, anything the Americans can do, the Japanese can do more insanely, as this page on ... hot dog origami? ... shows.
• Finally, I'd like to close this section of poorly researched links with a site that tells America's teenage girls that it's "cool" to be "real" in their own language: www.cool-2b-real.com. Although I invite you to explore the site for yourself to discover what exactly "cool" and "real" mean, I offer these two quotes from the main page of the site:
  1. "Cool-2B-Real is about real girls like you! Whether you're in school, playing sports or just having fun, strive to be the best you can be! Real girls are 'keepin' it real' by building strong bodies and strong minds ... and they're feeling great about themselves!
  2. "Sponsored by America's Beef Producers"