Todd Stadler's blog

new week, new spam

You know, I don't just send e-mail, I receive it as well. Often in large quantities, from obnoxious people who don't really know me. But every once in a while, I find something to appreciate between the "girls! girls! girls!" and the "money! money! money!".

Such is the case with this week's highlighted spam, which comes all they way from yahoo.com, from a guy named Chad, whose handle is, oddly, Swisscheesechick02. Already you can tell that Chad is no ordinary spammer.

No, Chad rises above the spam like so much fatty oil, turning it into an art form. While most of his contemporaries are content with the naughty words, the lurid descriptions, and the exclamation points, Chad's screeds read like poetry. Thrill with me:

Subject: Release my lonely heart

I feel like I'm trapped. The moon above me is as big as my aching heart. I long to be held, caressed, kissed and coddled. I need my flesh as well as my soul nourished by the touch of another!

Oh! Release me from my misery and provide me with company. Pay attention to me and appreciate my femininity!

Not completely unlike Shakespeare, that. Or at least decent junior high poetry.

Upon first reading this e-mail, I assumed that it was yet another girl throwing herself at my feet because of my perceived web development prowess.

What tipped me off to the bulk, unsolicited qualities of this missive was the link embedded in the last sentence of the e-mail (not duplicated here), which pointed me to a web site with "amateurgirlz" in its URL.

Maybe said web site is merely a repository of poems written by women who do not get paid, and thus are, in one sense, amateurs.

Or perhaps in these tough economic times, English Lit. majors are being forced to find work where they can, including writing correspondence for web sites of a more prurient nature.

I'll never know, because I refuse to follow the link, preferring to bask in ignorance.

And isn't that what the internet is really all about?