Todd Stadler's blog

karaoke lesson 1

If a discussion on the nature of repitition in popular music is too much for you, then perhaps you can at least wrap your mind around a discussion on how to pick the right karaoke song to please the crowd.

This is not, as one would assume, a trivial matter.

Okay, maybe it is, but the fact that a group of us went out to karaoke for my birthday means I'm going to write about it, importance be danged!

The first thing you might think in trying to pick a song to sing is to pick a tune you like. And this is certainly something to consider. But more importantly, you must pick a song you know really well.

It's all good and well to really love how the chorus does that one thing or whatever, but the fact is that unless you're really sure how the verse and bridge go, you probably shouldn't sing it. There's nothing like karaoke in front of a bunch of strangers to demonstrate that you really aren't sure how the melody goes in that one part. Doofus.

Having narrowed the list down to songs you know quite well, you might think that it would be time to pick the songs you like. Once again, you are being too hasty, and I would advise you to wait until you have read the whole column.

Because, you see, karaoke isn't just about you, no matter what you've been told. You've got a crowd out there, and they'll get irritated if you pick a song they don't know. Oh, I know, it smacks of pandering and selling out, but welcome to the music industry, karaoke division.

I learned this lesson the hard way when I found a bar that had a karaoke version (RealAudio format) of Ben Folds Five's "Army" (RealAudio format). This is one of my favorite songs. I'd never seen it anywhere in a karaoke bar. Apparently the KJ (that's karaoke hipster talk for the karaoke hostess) was really into Ben Folds Five.

Well, I got up there on stage and noticed two things while singing "Army": first, no one else in the bar really cared about this song, and second, you'd be surprised how un-rocking the karaoke version was. Nothing takes the wind out of a potentially awe-inspiring performance quite like feeling garfunkelish.

Yes, it's true. You may remember the awesome video where the band is totally rocking or otherwise being entertaining, but those visual effects won't be with you on stage. In fact, if my experiences are any indication, the karaoke video will have some of the cheesiest, cheapest production you've ever seen. And I've seen some pretty awful crap.

Faced with these conditions, I find that the only reasonable reaction is to throw sincerity out the window and shoot for good ol' Gen-X-brand irony. Let's face it, friends - sincerity is not entertaining.

That said, I find that you cannot go wrong with hard rock or ballads. In the former, you pretend you are a macho man, while in the latter, you pretend you are sensitive, even though you are actually just a doofus.

So you've picked a song. Now all you have to do is sing it, right?

No, the lesson's not over yet!

The best kept secret of karaoke is that nobody wants you to get up there and just sing. Oh, sure, there will be a few people at every karaoke joint that sing amazingly well. You might think that they can get away without entertaining you. But you, and they, are wrong.

I base this on empirical evidence - at the aforementioned birthday karaoke, I sang Bon Jovi's "Living on a Prayer". A fine choice. I did not sing so well, as whisky and coke had damaged what was left of my voice from an hour's worth of singing along boisterously. Or maybe the song was just too high for me.

Regardless, I put my all into it, leaning macho-like on the mic stand, leaning my head back dramatically whenever I said "ooh", and punctuating the words "we'll give it a shot" with a swift kick to the air.

And at the end of the song, no one seemed to care how well I sang. Only that I picked a great tune and I did some kicks.

How do I know they liked me? The staff bought me a free drink. Can your lofty karaoke methods get you a free drink?

Upon reflection, this story isn't about the proper karaoke experience at all. I just wanted to tell you the part about the free drink. I'm not sure if my methods are useful at all. Sorry, you'll have to figure it out for yourself.