Todd Stadler's blog

Sitting in SQL class

{Submitted while in my SQL class}

Okay, if my instructor refers to Microsoft's SQL Server Enterprise Manager as "Enterprise Mangler" one more time, I'm going to scream. Actually, I won't, because it's a given that he's going to say it several more times before lunch, and screaming that much would be rude.

Same goes for pronouncing SQL Server as "squeal server", though. Gads.

Ha ha, isn't this software we're learning about terrible? No word yet on whether MySQL might be humorously pronounced as "My Suckle". Whee!

Bridge-crossing music

I've been trying to find different ways to walk to work in an effort to get more steps, and today I took one of the more out-of-the-way routes, across the Ross Island bridge.

Walking more is good, but over the course of four miles, my brain needs to find ways to occupy itself. Unfortunately, today it chose to do so by endlessly repeating "Can't Fight This Feeling" by — sigh — REO Speedwagon.

At first, it was amusing to change lines like "You're a candle in the window on a cold, dark winter's night" into "You're a candle in the wind, oh, just like Marilyn and Di", but really, there's only so many times a man can sing — to himself or occasionally at full volume, if the traffic was loud — "It's time to bring this ship into the shore and throw away the oars, forever". What kind of ship is this guy piloting, anyhow? A Viking skiff?

Gettin' snarky with the journalists, part 2, part 2

In keeping with Twinkie-centric (and therefore egocentric, but keep in mind this is a blog) posts, I hereby present the second in a series of e-mails with a USA Weekend journalist who is writing an article on Twinkies.

When last I corresponded with this writer, she had asked some very basic questions, to which I answered expansively. In this exciting installment, we get down to the nitty-gritty: getting my name in print.

Date: Sun, 30 Jan 2005 12:53:33 EST
From: Xxxxxxx@aol.com
To: Todd Stadler
Subject: Your quote for USA Weekend article

Hi Todd,

You are one funny fellow. I've enclosed your quote from the first draft of my article. If you wish to make corrections, please do so IN CAPS.

Thanks,
Xxxx

"In 1995, during finals week, a group of Rice University students conducted a hilarious series of scientific tests on Twinkies called The Twinkie Project. The logo T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S is an acronym for Tests With Inorganic Noxious Kakes In Extreme Situations. According to co-founder, Todd Stadler, the Project was a desperate attempt to stave off sleep and/or the need to study. 'This would have been unremarkable for college students had we not also decided to post our results on the relatively nascent Web,' says Stadler. 'Once you're on the Internet, you're credible. And funny — at that time, the only other stuff on the Web was scientific research. So you didn't have to try hard to be lauded as hilarious.'"

My response is below.

Dear Xxxx,

You had originally referred to it as "The Twinkie Project". However, it is officially called The T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S. Project, or The TWINKIES Project, depending on how you want to display acronyms. I also think you should delete "The logo" from "The logo T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S ...", since I think it's really more of a title than a logo, but I reckon that would out in editing. There's nothing that reflects more poorly on my status as a funny guy than misattribution. Or brand dilution.

Furthermore, I don't think I was really a co-founder of the T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S. Project, since it's not like The Mayo Clinic or anything (mmmm ... mayo). It's not an ongoing project, so I'd rather be referred to as an co-author, or if it suits your piece better, a co-creator. Again, this reflects better on how funny I am. "Co-founder" just reeks of self-seriousness (e.g. "Allan Smithee, co-founder of the Enuresis Eradication Initiative"), whereas "co-author" makes one unable to stop giggling (e.g. "Amanda Huggenkiss, co-author of The Merck Index").

Other than those changes, I suppose the quote is accurate, although I think that it really makes me sound like I was serious about us being the first funny thing on the Web. It kind of makes me sound like a pompous ass, to be honest. I suppose it's up to you to decide if that is an accurate reflection.

If I were you, I'd put in the (hopefully-obviously-sarcastic) line about Highlights for Children, which communicates the true nature of my comments, while at the same time being pure comic gold that you can put for free in your article. If people get to read that line, they'll laugh and probably forget about the state of the world and their finances and donate lots of money to your newspaper. Plus, have you heard of the Pulitzer Prize? If you put that line about knock-knock jokes into your article, when people read it, they'll actually think, "This person deserves the Pulitzer!" (you, Xxxx, not me). Just a tip from me to you.

Maybe you're thinking that your editor is old and doesn't "get" irony or those other new-fangled forms of humor that the kids keep coming up with these days. But you laughed when you read it. Don't you want your readers to laugh, too? Again, far be it from me to tell you how to run your career, but you should go over your stodgy editor's head and show the Highlights line to the CEO of your company, and after he's done wiping the tears from his eyes, tell him you think he should fire your editor and move you into his position, because how could the editor not like that line? Then, while the CEO is still laughing and therefore in the palm of your hand, suggest the line be made the paper's motto, or inserted into the masthead or something. Let's see how far this can go.

But that's just my feeling. Maybe you're afraid I'm going to steal the show (just like that sycophant Raven-Symone stole the spotlight on The Cosby Show and now everyone talks about her and noboby even knows who Bill Cosby is) and your editor is actually going to fire you and bring me in to replace you. After all, I sure do seem fixated on your editor. The Highlights line (or whatever else you thought was funny — I'm not particular, as long as it makes me look good) improves the piece, but you do have a family to feed, and I understand.

Oh, and if the "nascent" bit actually makes it into the final article, thanks. I owe you a beer.