Todd Stadler's blog

[untitled #514]

I have just read the greatest interview of all time: Bill O'Reilly talks to Condoleeza Rice, apparently during a windstorm or something. Here's just a sample of the scintillating conversation:

O'REILLY: I don't mean to sound (UNINTELLIGIBLE).
RICE: Probably not the right word (UNINTELLIGIBLE).
O'REILLY: No.
RICE: Probably not the right word (ph).
O'REILLY: The world's most wanted terrorist is not (UNINTELLIGIBLE)?
RICE: It is a combination of intelligence and the ability to strike quickly.
(CROSSTALK)
O'REILLY: Will the fundamentalists overthrow him if (UNINTELLIGIBLE)?

Pure. Journalistic. Dynamite. Read it again: "The world's most wanted terrorist is not (UNINTELLIGIBLE)". It's like some sort of Zen koan, maybe.

Also, did you know that "Dr. Rice was a chief (UNINTELLIGIBLE) officer at Stanford University"? I did not know that.

For those keeping score, the word "(UNINTELLIGIBLE)" appears in the transcript 34 times. The word "(CROSSTALK)" appears 17 times.

Which, of course, suggests to me what FOXNews' new slogan should be. "FOXNews: (UNINTELLIGIBLE) (CROSSTALK)"

Response to investment scam #2, part 1

FROM:ANNA PETER

Greetings!

Hi! Sorry I took so long to get back to you, but I've been completely swamped with business proposals of late! You wouldn't believe how many billions of dollars have been hidden, diverted, stolen, or otherwise misplaced in other countries. And all in the past few months! I have to say, this doesn't give me great confidence as a small-time investor.

I know you will be surprised to read a letter from me, but please consider this as a request from a family in dire need of assistance.

Actually, while I wasn't particularly expecting a letter from you per se, I'm not really surprised that you wrote me. Apparently, and for reasons I can't really figure out, I've become known internationally as something of a financial wizard. Which is odd, since I don't make a lot of money. At least in American terms. Maybe to you people, I'm like a millionaire or something.

But I've come to expect these letters, just as I've come to expect large, unexplained deductions to show up on my bank statements every month. And, as always, I'm willing to help you out.

I am Mrs.ANNA JOHNSON,

Okay, hold on. I'm already confused. Up at the top of the letter, it says that this is from Anna Peter. And your e-mail address is anna_p24@hotmail.com. Is Anna Peter your secretary who's typing and sending this for you? What a coincidence that her name is Anna, too! I know a girl named Anna. Maybe you know her, too! Regardless, hi!

the wife of the late Brigadier Amoke Johnson from Angola.

Oh, my. I'm afraid I'm not really up on my Angolese history, so I don't know about your husband. But I'm sure he is very brave. Well, was very brave, at least.

I am writing to you from Johannesburg, South Africa.

I guess you already know where I'm writing you from. How's Johannesburg? Is it nice this time of year? I guess you guys just started, let's see, spring or something over there, right? That's so weird! Is it true that they have cars over there with built-in flamethrowers, due to the high rate of carjacking? I heard that once.

I got your information from the Johannesburg Chamber of Commerce and Industry, and on behalf of my late husband and my only son Charles I decided to solicit your assistance to transfer the sum of US$15.00 Million (FIFTEEN MILLION United States Dollars)inherited by my late husband into your company or private bank account.

Hmm. I don't remember ever talking to anyone from the Johannesburg Chamber of Commerce. I might have talked to someone from the Jonesboro Chamber of Commerce — I have relatives near there — but that's in Arkansas. No, come to think of it, I never gave anyone there my information, either. Weird.

Before the death of my husband, he was a brigadier in charge of arms and ammunition procurement for the Angolan Army. In his will, he specifically drew my attention to the sum of US$15.00 Million, which he had deposited, in a safe box of a Security Company in Johannesburg, South Africa. In fact, he said and I quote: "my dear, I wish to draw your attention to the sum of US$15.00 Million. I deposited the said box containing the fund in a Security Company in Johannesburg, South Africa."

Wow, that's uncanny. Your summary of what he said in the will practically echoes your quote (presumably from the will). You must have a really good memory or something.

If there was fifteen million dollars ($15,000,000) lying around in the will of a friend of mine, I wouldn't need anybody to point it out to me. My eyes would focus on that part like a laser beam. But then, I'm a little bit more concerned with money these days, what with the economy.

I guess with all the money floating around unclaimed in that part of the world, people can overlook such things.

"During the war, I was very dedicated and committed to wining the war against the rebels until when I found out that some senior army officers and government functionaries were busy helping themselves with government fund and properties, sending them to foreign countries.

Did your (now-dead) husband and you not talk a lot? I'm just wondering, because he had to point out that he was dedicated to winning the war. I guess I kind of thought you would have already known that. Maybe you thought it was none of your business. It's certainly none of mine, and I don't mean to pry.

But I know what you mean about government officials helping themselves to funds and such, including the part about sending money to foreign countries. We have all kinds of problems with that over here.

In fact, we could probably use your help in dealing with it after I help you with your problem. A little "I scratch your back, you scratch mine", which is a metaphor, of course. My back doesn't really itch. Well, maybe a little.

But maybe after I help you out with your money, you could come over here and round up all our politicians and, I don't know, teach them about fiscal responsibility or something. You could lock them in a room until they come out with a balance budget, or maybe play Monopoly with them and then at the end reveal that it's not just a fun game, it's a metaphor for the ruthless cruelty of an unregulated free-market system. Something like that.

"Due to this, when I and former special adviser to the president were assigned by the president (Jose Edwardo Santo) to purchase arms in South Africa, we saw this as an opportunity to divert the money for our personal use. When we divided the money, my share was US15.00 Million. I did this in case of my absence due to death so that you, johnson, your two sisters and your mother wouldn't suffer. You should solicit for assistance of a reliable and sincere foreign partner to assist you to transfer this money out of South Africa for investment. I deposited the box in your name and you alone with the deposit code can claim it. Your mother is with all the documents; take good care of your mother and your two sisters. Do not disappoint me. Good bye!"

Okay, you don't have to tell me the whole history here. Just the facts, as it were.

Anyhow, your husband sounds very sly, although it's kind of a good thing he's dead, you know? By which I mean that it's a good thing he's not around now that we've got the money, because as clever a guy as he appears to have been could have easily found a way to dupe us out of all this money. I didn't mean to imply I'm glad your husband's dead, though. Sorry.

One question: The president of South Africa is "Jose Edwardo Santo"? Or the president of Angola? Are you sure you're not thinking of Andorra? I wanted to travel to Andorra once, because it's so small, but then I found out it's mostly a shopping haven for Spanish and French people, but otherwise a fairly boring place.

Another thing. "Your mother is with all the documents"? She's not in the safe deposit box, is she? If so, I'm really sorry I took so long to get back to you, as it may be too late for her. Most of those boxes are fireproof and, as such, not terribly well ventilated. I hope she's not dead, too. Honestly.

From this word of my late husband, you will understand that the lives and future of my family depend on this fund such I will be grateful if you can assist us. Now what I want you to do for us as an international partner is to help us clear this from the Security Company using your name as the beneficiary of the fund.

Yeah, yeah. I know how this stuff works. I'm not some neophyte would-be accountant, as you know, or you wouldn't have e-mailed me.

You can contact my son ( Johnson Peter) on this telephone number +27-7334-13436 for more details.

Um, your son's name is Johnson Peter? Remind me to tell you sometime why that's funny in America. But in addition to being humorous, that's confusing. Your name is Anna Johnson (or maybe Anna Peter). But your son's name is Johnson Peter. So, if I understand this correctly, children are named by combining the two different last names of their mother? Is this just an Angolan thing? We really should chat sometime about naming conventions over there. Ours in America are so boring in comparison.

We have agreed to give you 20% of the +total sum for your assistance and 5% for the expenses that might be incurred in the course of the transfer and the remaining 75% for the family's investment abroad which you will also assist us to materialize. Further information and discussion about this transaction will commence as soon as you give us the assurance and confidence that this money will be safe when transferred to your account and please treat this matter with urgency and confidentiality.

I have a pretty good idea on how to invest the money. I know this other lady I'm doing some business with who's going to die soon. We could invest the fifteen million by buying an equivalent amount of life insurance policies on her, because who'd expect her to die soon, right? And then when she keels over, we'll be truly rich! Let me know what you think about this plan.

I put my faith in you, wishing you now and always God’s choicest blessings.

Thanks
Many regards,
Mrs. ANNA PETER

Response to investment scam #1, part 2

Dear Miss Brown,

I'm sorry I haven't gotten back to you lately. I went on a trip to Sweden and other northern European countries. If I'd been thinking, I would have tried to swing by Holland so we could talk face-to-face. You seem nice enough. But I was having so much fun eating fish, I totally forgot about our business deal. My bad.

FROM:MIRS MALDALEN BROWN,
ATTN: WILL.STALDER.

DEAR WILL,

THANK YOU FOR YOUR LATEST E-MAIL. I WANT TO CONGRATULATE YOU FOR YOUR EFFORT AND GESTURE TO ASSIST ME IN THIS GOOD WORK. THE NEXT THING REQUIRED FROM YOU IS FOR YOU TO SEND ME YOUR WITH THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION TO ENABLE ME CONTACT THE SECURITY COMPANY TO RELEASE THE FUND TO ON MY BEHALF AS SOON AS YOU ARRIVE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

Um, yeah. About my "effort" — really, it wasn't anything. I spent a few minutes typing up an e-mail.

But listen ... I have no idea what your last sentence there means at all. I'm enjoying our little penpal dealy here and all, but if this is going to continue, I really think you should brush up on your English. It's not like I'm going to learn Dutch or whatever, you know?

But for what it's worth, I've already arrived in the United States of America. Well, in one sense, I mean — I got back from Sweden. I haven't "arrived" in the sense of having made my dreams come true or anything like that. Because my dream is to be famous one day.

I won't ask you about your goals because I know you're gonna die soon and all.

KINDLY FORWARD YOUR FULL NAME, PHISICAL ADDRESS TEL&FAX LINE WERE TO REACH YOU FOR FURTHER CONVERSATION WITH THE SECURITY COMPANY TO ENABLE THEM KNOW WHEN YOU ARE COMING FOR THE FUND.

I AM AWAITING YOUR URGENT REPLY IMMEDIATELY. THANKS AND GOD BLESS YOU.

SINCERELY YOURS,
MRS MALDALEN BROWN.

Look, this whole all-caps thing is kind of unsettling me. Maybe you don't know this (or maybe your previous sticky-shift-key problem has gotten way out of hand), but in America, typing in all caps is considered rude. It looks like you're shouting or something.

In fact, it has me wondering if maybe this business deal is the right thing for me. I mean, don't get me wrong — you've been nice, I guess.

But there's clearly a lot of cultural differences between us, like with the typos and the all-caps and your being from Holland and all. And I'm not sure I have enough time to really learn all about your culture before you die.

Then, and I hesitated to mention this in my first e-mail, there's the whole thing about my not knowing much about money and business deals. Clearly you're a friendly person, but I've heard of some people getting ripped off by internet scams. I don't want to be that guy, you know?

Maybe you could just send some Euros in an envelope or something, and I'll put them in the offering plate next week?

Or, if that isn't your thing, you could just send a photo, and we could write each other e-mails about how different our cultures are. That could be fun. At least until you die, I guess.

Let me know what you want to do.

Response to investment scam #1, part 1

Hello,

I just got your e-mail and was very glad to hear from you. My response is interwoven with your original e-mail, below.

I am the above named person from HOLLAND. I am Married to Dr.MARK BROWN who worked with THAILAND Embassy in ASIA for nine years before he Died in the year 2001.

I'm a bit confused already. Perhaps I would understand things better if I'd ever met you, but I don't think I have. Come to think of it, I'm not sure how you got my e-mail address. Probably friend-of-a-friend or something like that. Ah well, never mind.

Anyhow, you say you're married to this doctor, but that he is dead. In our country, that usually means that you're not married to him anymore. It's always interesting to read how other cultures deal with death.

So you say your former husband (well, in America, he'd be your former husband; perhaps in Holland, you'd say he still is your husband; international relations can be tricky) worked with the Thailand embassy in Asia? But you're from Holland? Where in Asia? Wouldn't the Thai embassy be in Holland? Or was it the Thai embassy to a completely unrelated Asian country? I'm sorry, but you'll have to help me out here if I'm to understand your predicament.

Also, why do you keep capitalizing CERTAIN KEY WORDS? Is your shift key sticking? Just wondering.

We were married for eleven years without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days.

Interesting. How long were you married with a child? And what was the brief illness? I mean, sure, I'd like to get to know you better, but I can't understand why you think it's important that I know his illness lasted only four days, but won't tell me what the illness was. I mean, was it ebola, or the Hantavirus? Is it something I should worry about? Was it a computer virus of some sort?

Before his death we were Muslims. Since his death I decided not to re-marry or get a child outside my matrimonial home which the Bible is against.

Again, not to be mean, but you're being a bit picky with the details. You used to be Muslims. Okay. Now you're a believer in the Bible. Did, you know, anything interesting happen to precipitate that change? Anything you want to talk about? And what does it mean to "get a child outside [your] matrimonial home"? By "get" do you mean to "buy" a child? Or to kidnap one? And is it okay to do these things inside the home, or in a different home altogether, perhaps the patrimonial one? Perhaps this is a Dutch law or ethic that I just don't understand.

When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of $27.6Million (twenty-seven Million six hundred thousand U.S. Dollars) in a finance/security company in AMERICA Presently, this money is still with the Security Company.

Wow! That's a lot of money! How did he get it? Was it through working at his job at the embassy? Or, and I hesitate to even ask this, did he get it through some nefarious dealings? I mean, either way, I'm fully committed to helping you out. But I just wanted a little background information, you know? Oh, and what's the name of the company?

Heck, for that matter, I'm not really too smart when it comes to finances. What is a security company, really? How would I get the money from it? Is there some way to make it easier to get this money? I could give you my bank account number, or maybe you could credit it on to one of my credit cards. I can give you all these numbers if you need.

Recently, my Doctor told me that I would not last for the next three months due to cancer Problem.

Wow, more bad luck! Bummer. I'm sorry. What kind of cancer? If, that is, you don't mind my asking.

Though what disturbs me most is my stroke.

I'm sorry, I'm not sure what you're referring to. Did you have a stroke or something? Just now? Or is this a reference to your golf game? I'm not a golf player, but I've talked to some people who are, and they get really obsessive over their swing, you know? Slices and hooks and all that. I'm not very good at golf, even mini golf. Do they have that in Holland?

Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to charitable organization or better still a Christian individual that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct here in. i need someone that can travel to the security company and collect the money ,

Wow, that's nice. Why do you favor individuals over charities? I could help set you up with a charity, if you'd like that. They'd probably be better with the whole money thing than I am. I mean, I'll still try and help you however I can, but I'm not sure I'm the best guy for this. I don't even know where this company is located. But I do have a car. Let me know if you need to know the VIN numbers of my car or anything.

I want an organization or individual that will use this to fund churches, orphanages and Widows propagating the word of God and to ensure that the House of God is maintained. The Bible made us to Understand that blessed is the hand that grivet.

I'm not familiar with that last reference. I don't think the word "grivet" appears in our Bible over here. Say, you're not Mormon, are you? Maybe it's just a Dutch thing, again.

Anyhow, I'm a Christian, too, and I agree that using this money for Christian purposes is a good idea. I guess you already knew I was a Christian, though. How'd you find that out? I mean, it's mentioned on various Web pages, but you sent this e-mail to my work address, and nothing on my work's Web site mentions my faith. That's some Web sleuthing you're doing!

Unless ... say, you don't practice voodoo, do you? Because I don't think it would be a very Christian thing to use voodoo to find the e-mail addresses of Christians so you can donate money to build churches. Ends not justifying means and all that.

I took this decision because I don t have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are not Christians and I don t want my husband shard earned money to be misused by unbelievers.

Now, far be it from me to tell you how to live what little is left of your life, but I don't think it would be wrong to give some of that money to your husband's relatives. I mean, even if they're Muslims and all, they're still his family. Assuming they haven't all died from some fast-killing disease yet, of course. But they could use the money for food and housing, and that's not so bad. You might even win them over to Christianity by showing how loving you are. And I'm not even saying you need to give all or even most of the money to them. It's your call, of course. But maybe just a million dollars to his family? I just don't want to get involved in some sort of family spat, you know, getting angry Dutch phone calls in the middle of the night. I don't even speak Dutch. Or Muslim.

I dont want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly manner, hence the reason for taking this Bold decision. I am not afraid of death hence I know Where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the Bosom of the Lord.

I'm glad that you know you're truly saved. So many people fake being Christians — even fooling themselves, sometimes — just to please other people. But they'll be the fooled ones, come judgment day! They'll end up in hell, along with all the other liars, decievers, thieves, and other evildoers who don't accept Christ's free forgiveness. But you already knew that.

Exodus 14 VS 14 says that the lord will fight my Case and I shall hold my peace.

Huh. In our Bible over here, it says, "The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." Again, it's funny to see how foreign people talk. I'm not really sure why you brought up that verse, by the way.

I don t need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health, and because of the presence of my husband s relatives Around me always. I don t want them to know about this Development.

Well, you didn't actually give me your telephone number, so I guess I couldn't have called you anyhow! Let me know if you need my telephone number to call me to confirm any details, though. Or, for that matter, my social security number, or mother's maiden name, or whatever.

By the way, your husband's relatives don't surf the Web, do they? Because I'm thinking of posting this response to my Web page, and I don't want them to see it. So if you see them using the computer and think they might be about to read about our business plan, yell something like, "Turn off the computer! Tigers!" or, "I sense the presence of a computer virus!" and then maybe kick the computer to add urgency to your exclamation.

With God all things are possible. As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the Contact of the Finance/Security Company. I will also issue you a letter of authority that will empower you as the original- beneficiary of this Fund.

Okay. I'm ready. I don't know what all that stuff in the last sentence means, but go ahead, anyway.

I want you and the church to always pray for me Because the lord is my shepherd. My happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian. Whoever that wants to serve the Lord must serve him in spirit and Truth. Please always be prayerful all through your Life.

Um, not to be mean or anything, but you're kind of getting preachy. One second it's all business. Then you throw a bunch of platitudes at me. You already know I'm going to help you; there's no need to preach to the converted.

That said, do we really have to pray for you "always"? I mean, I'll pray for you for the next few months, until you die, but after that, there's not really much point, is there? Also, before you die, I think someone should point out to you that the whole point of Christianity is that, when we die, we shouldn't take pride in what we ourselves have done, but what God did for us through Christ. Merely living a good life won't do you much good when God demands perfection. I would have thought you would have figured that out from reading the Bible. But maybe the Dutch version is different.

Any delay in your reply will give me room in souring for a church or Christian individual for this same purpose. Please assure me that you will at accordingly as I stated herein. Hoping to hear from you.

"Room in souring"? We don't have that idiom over here. But hey, no need to look for anyone else — I'm your man! Let me know how to help out, okay?

Remain blessed in the name of the Lord.

Yours in Christ,
MRS MALDALEN BROWN

[untitled #513]

Always looking for a new way to get into legal trouble, I tried to do some research today on file-trading software Kazaa Lite.

Naturally, the first thing I did was search for it on Google.

I noted the following text at the bottom of the results page: "In response to a complaint we received under the Digital Millennium Copyright Act, we have removed 9 result(s) from this page. If you wish, you may read the DMCA complaint for these removed results."

My first thought was that Google's usefulness had once again been curtailed by a stupid lawsuit, this time apparently from the makers of the original (and more annoying) Kazaa (or "Kazaa Media Desktop software" if you will, which I won't).

But upon reading the linked-to DMCA complaint (hosted on the aptly named site www.chillingeffects.org), I had to laugh.

The complaint itself lists all the Web sites that Google was legally not allowed to. True, they weren't hyperlinked — I had to cut 'n' paste — but in no way was I prevented from using them to get some information.

Equally humorous was that Google's top hit for "kazaa lite" is (or at least was) www.kazaalitekpp.com, which, as far as I can tell, is the (new?) official Kazaa Lite Web site URL.

It only goes to show how pointless it is to use the legal system to fight this sort of battle. You can have a new Web site up and running in a fraction of the time it takes a lawyer to get an injunction against that particular URL.

Where's the Pork?

I received a rather curt message on my answering machine a few weeks ago from a man who left only his name and phone number.

When he called me back, I found out he was a lawyer for the National Pork Board.

There's something about being greeted by a voice on the phone that says, "I'm a lawyer with the National Pork Board" that sends a chill down a man's spine, you know?

Although the man was very nice, he made clear that the people he represented had a problem with a Web page of mine.

Why does this keep happening to me?

The Web page in question, a questionably humorous satire of a kids' page praising the variety of pork by-products, unfortunately had at the bottom the claim that it was "a service of the National Pork People Council in cooperation with the National Pork Board."

Never mind that the "National Pork People Council" doesn't exist (although an organization with its initials does), the people at the National Pork Board were worried that somebody might confuse my page with the real propaganda found elsewhere.

He even claimed that some people had contacted the National Pork Board, expressing confusion. I imagine the calls went something like this:

NPB: Hello, National Pork Board help center. How may I help you?

Man: Uh, yeah. I was just on that Google search engine, you know, and I was searchin' for National Pork Board thingamabobs, so I typed in "National Pork Board thingamabobs" and I got this page, right?

NPB: Okay sir. Were you directed to the official National Pork Board Web page on thingamabobs? I think that should answer any question you might have about pork thingamabobs.

Man: Well, see, that's the problem. I found this page that talks about pork and thingamabobs, and so I'm thinkin' I've found what I need to answer my question, right? But then I start reading it. And now I'm not so sure who made this page.

NPB: Okay, sir, at this point I'm obligated to state that we at the National Pork Board do not recommend you read information from outside sources. Many organizations, such as the Marxist-backed Center for Science in the Public Interest, the communist-leaning American Medical Association, and various so-called "health groups" will tell you that pork is a little bit unhealthy and should be eaten in moderation. These groups, which are really little more than fronts for megalomaniacal, fat cat trial lawyers, have been scientifically proven to be pathological liars. So are you sure this page you found wasn't one generated by or approved of by the National Pork Board, "a source of pork information you can trust"?

Man: See, I don't know. The Web page address says something about Aracnet and "~stadler", which makes it look like, I don't know, a personal home page or something. The URL, if you will, doesn't say anything about pork. And none of the links on the page link to anything that looks like an official National Pork Board Web page, much less to anything about pork at all. So right then, I'm thinking, "Hey, maybe this isn't an officially sanctioned Web page."

NPB: Uh huh.

Man: And then I start, you know, readin' the page itself. And it says not only are thingamabobs made from pork by-products, but bric-a-brac, knick-knacks, and whatchamacallits, too. Now I got a knick-knack right here that's made from wood, and it doesn't have any pig parts in it at all.

NPB: Sir, my best advice to you would be to stop reading that Web page right now and go out and have a double serving of bacon. We'll call the lawyers.

But see, the thing is, this conversation didn't take place. And while that should be painfully obvious to all but the most dense out there, I have to say that explicitly so that the National Pork Lawyers' Association doesn't call me back up and sue me out of existence.

And the National Pork Lawyers' Association doesn't even exist! But lawyers can get so testy that they'll form such an organization and then sue you! It's true! It happened to a friend of mine!

As a side note, "National Pork Lawyers' Association" was the phrase I substituted for the legally-disputed "National Pork Board" on the Web page in question. The lawyer on the phone said I could use any phrase besides "National Pork Board". So I said, "Really? Any phrase?" and he said, "Yes."

And yet, nobody has brought up suing me over this tiny act of impishness. Sometimes, lawyers have to go out for dinner and forget who they were threatening to sue when they became hungry.

However, I find it strange that although googling for "National Pork People Council" still turns up the page in question, searching for "National Pork Lawyer's Assocation", a phrase that also exists on that page, turns up nothing. Clearly, while the lawyers have refrained from suing me, they are still exercising their eerie powers.

Although I was originally going to close with a bunch of highly-topical lawyer jokes to add some comedy to this posting (the lawyer who insisted I change the wording on my Web page at one point asked me, "Are you a comedian or something?"), I'll instead leave you with a few highly-topical links:

• Para los que hablen español y no comprendan ninguna otra palabra en este cuento, hay un, um, Website-o para ustedes: www.elcerdoesbueno.com. ¡Qué buen negocio!
• I think it's rather humorous that at the official Pork4Kids Web site (and thank the heavens somebody finally thought of the children; pork isn't just for adults, you know?) has a Flash application called Make a Pig Costume that guides you in making said costume, the crowning touch on which is a paper mask you print out on paper and color in yourself. This after having spent who knows how much time and money on, per their guidance: a pink sweatsuit, cotton batting, a glue gun, and other accessories. You're gonna top all that with a paper mask. Right. Anyhow, one of the mask options is that of a pig that resembles Frankenstein. What genius at the National Pork Board thought a Frankenpig would be a positive image for the pork industry?
• Only marginally related to pork, of course, is the hot dog. But are you experiencing ennui with your current wiener? If so, you may need the Octodog Frankfurter Converter. You can look at a picture of an "octodog", the resultant converted frankfurter, but I wouldn't if I were you, and I'm not even bothered by tales of what goes into hot dogs. Heck, I can't even read this step in the instructions without questioning many of the fundamental aspects of my belief system.
• Of course, anything the Americans can do, the Japanese can do more insanely, as this page on ... hot dog origami? ... shows.
• Finally, I'd like to close this section of poorly researched links with a site that tells America's teenage girls that it's "cool" to be "real" in their own language: www.cool-2b-real.com. Although I invite you to explore the site for yourself to discover what exactly "cool" and "real" mean, I offer these two quotes from the main page of the site:
  1. "Cool-2B-Real is about real girls like you! Whether you're in school, playing sports or just having fun, strive to be the best you can be! Real girls are 'keepin' it real' by building strong bodies and strong minds ... and they're feeling great about themselves!
  2. "Sponsored by America's Beef Producers"