Todd Stadler's blog

i pledge allegiance to the flap

Flap flap flap. What's all the flap about? Flap flag flap. Listen to all that flapping! There must be a lot of right-wingers around here. Pledge flag flap. Oh my - and left-wingers, too!

The 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals' ruled that reciting the Pledge of Allegiance in public schools is unconstitutional because it contains the phrase "under God", and now everyone is in a tizzy.

And I, for one, don't understand why. I'm glad that everything's so perfect in America that we can spend all our media resources in arguing over the semantics of the words of a symbolic ceremony. I guess that means we won the war on terrorism, then?

But no, don't I see? This is part and parcel of the war on terrorism! Of course!

The godless terrorists (who, it should be noted would have no problem with the pledge, referring as it does to a monotheistic God, assuming that all terrorists are Muslims, which I'm pretty sure they are) want us to stop reciting the pledge so that our children will grow up hating America just like they do. The terrorists play hardball, my friend.

Oh, sure, I'm being sarcastic, but all the lips flapping in our government buildings would have me believe it's all true, and that this ruling has major implications not only for Our American Way of Life, but for the war we're currently involved in.

As California governor Gray Davis put it, "With troops overseas, this is the wrong decision at the worst possible time."

What does that even mean? That we should only think about the Constitution when we're not sending troops abroad? (Perhaps clever Mr. Davis is saying he doesn't want us to ever think about the Constitution, as I can't remember a recent year we haven't had troops abroad somewhere.)

Or that our troops will now begin to lose all their battles because of this change in a largely symbolic act in our nation's schools? Is our army composed of a bunch of Tinkerbells that the children of our nation must clap for them so they won't die?

Ignoring that particular statement, the argument that this ruling will affect American patriotism (or worse, American religious belief) is nonsense. Never mind how easy it would be to alter the pledge to be constitutional.

If patriotism in America changes because of this legal decision, then our patriotism was meaningless in the first place. And if the phrase "under God" is the only time our children hear anything about faith, then we're in far bigger trouble than this whole mess indicates.

I have to wonder why the biggest deals are made over the most insignificant things in life.

I mean, who cares if people are dying for thousands of different reasons the world over, sometimes because of the decision of our government? Who cares if we're polluting our planet in potentially irreversible ways? Some court just ruled that we're no longer allowed to coerce children to say (or to become a silent protester to) two particular words in schools! I think I'll stop going to work this week so I have enough time to write letters to my congressmen.

My guess is that we fight over these symbols because we cannot read or control people's thoughts, as wonderful as that ability would be. Thus, for instance, we fight over those objects that appear to give some hint as to whether someone is a loyal patriot or not. Objects that - we hope - make people more loyal patriots than they would otherwise be.

If that is the reason behind this hubbub, then we're wasting our time. Waning patriotism cannot be cured by a strong pledge any more than a weakened pledge can hamper rampant jingoism.

If this ruling reflects our culture, then the change is already made. If it doesn't, then it has no hope of being able to change our culture.

Besides, has anyone stopped to consider that this ruling doesn't stop the Pledge of Allegiance from being said anymore than previous rulings stopped children from praying in schools?

Despite what Tom Daschle et al would have you believe, the government can't actually control your behavior, so if you want to say the pledge, go ahead. Your kid can even say it in school, although he may get in trouble if he disrupts class in doing so. The decision only affects the ability of our schools to institute the pledge.

"But," says my imaginary agitated monotheistic patriot, "saying 'under God' isn't a big deal in the first place. It's not offensive to anybody!" Well, this line of thinking is, in a way, offensive to me.

Saying "under God" means that the speaker believes our country is ultimately ruled over and provided for by a deity. Can such a statement be made lightly? Not by me, and I believe it. My faith is not a trivial matter, and just as I believe it is wrong to take God's name in vain, so I believe that it's wrong to say I believe in God without meaning it.

Either this pledge confirms belief in a particular type of faith system, which is necessarily offensive to people not of that faith system, or it is truly an inoffensive, trivial statement. If the latter, then removing it should be no big deal.

I wonder if the people opposed to this decision would mind saying a pledge in which they promised their allegiance to "one nation, under many local gods", or "one nation, under no god at all"? Or does that perhaps offend them? It certainly would offend me to say such things. That's a pretty good indication to me that saying "under God" might be offensive to other people, and that it might promote one religion over another.

Of course, as a Christian, I find the whole pledge of allegiance mildly distasteful, anyhow.

I mean, my allegiance isn't pledged to the flag or to the republic for which it stands. It's to God, or at least it ought to be. I'm thankful for the country he has given me to live in, yes. But I don't confuse it with God.

I don't remember a lot in the New Testament about Jesus teaching his disciples to say "Hail, Caesar!", or Paul writing the church in Corinth to encourage them to display the Roman flag.

I also find it hard to fight for a pledge that tells me that there is liberty and justice "for all". To be blunt, there isn't. Some get more liberty and justice (or perhaps a lack of justice on behalf of those they wronged), and they know who they are. It's simply not a perfect country. It's often a very good country, but let's not fool ourselves.

Of course, what do I know? I haven't repeated the words of the Pledge of Allegiance in probably ten years. So maybe its patriotism-inducing magic has indeed worn off in my case.

Or maybe it never worked in the first place.

PB & Genius

It's the Classic American Story, involving a Boy and his Sandwich.

You know how it goes. Boy stays up late working on web site. Boy gets up later in the morning than he had planned. Due to boy's sleepiness, ideal lunch-making conditions are not met. Boy forges on, finds a new way of doing things, changes the world one sandwich at a time, and finds true love.

You see, when I went to make sandwiches this morning, the bread was still in the freezer (for to keep it mold-free). But I wanted unfrozen bread (for to eat in a pleasant manner).

Lacking the time to really care, I simply made some PB&J sandwiches with the frozen bread, hoping that things would work out in the end, as they so often do, at least in short narratives like this one.

And work out they did! The frozen bread actually made it easier to spread my rather tenacious peanut butter without destroying the bread. And it was highly smoosh-resistant in my backpack, meaning I arrived at work with sandwiches just as I had made them. By the time lunchtime rolled around, the sandwiches had completely thawed, making for a completely happy PB&J experience.

Ron Popeil himself could not tell a better success story.

Rather than keep this technique a secret, I have decided to embrace the paradigms of the future and go open source with my methods, with the hopes that they can be improved further.

PB&J forever, my friends!

stick a fork in it

It's really nice, in these topsy-turvy times, to be able to say that I'm done with some project.

It's also unusual for that to be completely true. So it is with the new Ertia Creations web site, designed by yours truly. Sure, I'm done with this iteration of it, but there are things that need to be added. And I'm sure there are things that will need to be improved later.

But for now I will rejoice in having reached some kind of stopping point. Whee.

Of note on the new Ertia site is more use of XHTML and CSS, because I can. And also maybe because I'm secretly a self-loathing masochist who likes banging his head against his keyboard.

I also attempted to make Ertia more curvy than is usually allowed by the web medium. Not only do the images have curves, but sometimes even the text curves. Not that I came up with this idea myself, mind you. But the web is all about creative appropration, non?

Speaking of projects I've completed, I also want to brag that I did the CD artwork for Ertia Creation's first album, Secret Primper's Alliteration and You.

In order to sound like a complete shill, I should mention that you can buy this album online.

This CD was a fun experience, as I had never before done an real print project, what with the proofs and the 1/8" bleed and so on.

Anyhow, it's a good album, as you can readily determine for yourself by listening to the band's MP3s. And I'm not just saying that because I got free CD's for my work, or because of the tangled web that connects me to the people in Secret Primper and Ertia Creations (which involves a "scientist rock" band and a couch of questionable integrity).

i'm like a beaver

Busy, busy, busy. Those are the three words I would use to describe the past several weeks for me.

I continue to remain employed at Timber Press, where I am currently working both on web stuff (huzzah!) and data entry (hiss!).

The data entry project is highly annoying because it involves several thousand British addresses that need typing in.

Maybe you're not aware of it, but British addresses were conceived of by the same man who came up with English spelling. As such, there are all sorts of irregularities. Sometimes addresses have six or more lines, sometimes three. And the abbreviation for Shropshire is "Salop".

It's enough to make me want to stomp on over to there and complain, but then they'd point out how stupid America's use of the customary unit system is, and what can you say to that?

So I try not to worry too much about the British and their postal system. Instead, I enjoy the web work, the URL of which I will be able to post Real Soon Now.

I'm also keeping busy in the evening, working on yet more web stuff. At least one of my "fun time" (as opposed to "business time") sites will be done soon, and I will also point you to it, whereupon you can tell me it doesn't work at all on your particular browser.

I've even started making money doing freelance web work, with more potential work on the horizon. Which would be a whole lot nicer if I wasn't continually committing myself to not have a free moment for the next several months.

As such, I am too busy to lavish time on reading all manner of news articles and writing cynical commentaries on them. So you get goofy little status reports like this one.

But wait, there's more! Or there soon will be. I also have plans to change Cock-a-hoop in the near future. Hopefully, it'll have a nice image gallery that I will fill with all the digital photos I've done nothing with.

I also plan on separating the journal entries into longer article-type pieces and shorter blog-type thoughts. That way, I won't feel compelled to write a well-thought-out novella every time I have something I want to say. I'll simply post a hastily-composed paragraph (like, say, this one) in the "blog" section and be done with it.

After all, isn't that what the Internet is really about?

another shrimp on the barbie

The other day, I was attempting to explain a phrase Paul Hogan made famous {mental note: I must stop introducing my stories this way} when my friend and I came up with a wonderful idea.

We can package popcorn shrimp onto cheap pink trays and market them as "Barbie Dream Lobsters". They'll sell like hotcakes!

Tiny pink hotcakes, that is.

dance dance dance

A group of us went out dancing at Embers last Thursday, and since "you learn something new every day", here is a list of what I learned on that particular day.

(Of course, I don't really learn something new every day, if I can help it. More often than not I repackage rather stale knowledge in a different way, such that it will appear that I've learned something new. Because rare is the day that anyone actually bothers to check that I've learned the proverbial something new. But I digress.)

• It is difficult to smoothly introduce yourself to someone at a dance club because you recognize him from his webpage
• Things are made less smooth when you worry about being not smooth, knowing full well that you are not trying to pick up this guy because, after all, you're straight.
• Things become downright scratchy when you toss the following phrase into an increasingly less-smooth conversation: "So we both are famous for Hostess-related webpages."
• If you type the word "smooth" often enough, it will eventually appear to be some sort of alien word, perhaps describing a sleek hovercraft-like vehicle. You will also begin to wonder if maybe it should be spelled "smoothe", as with "breathe", causing you to further hate this language your parents forced on you. Or so I've heard.

I don't know why I always find myself talking to "famous" people I recognize. It's not like they know who I am.

However, SeanBaby, if that is his real name, did acknowledge that I was "that guy who dropped Twinkies off a roof" or something.

(See Mom, it was totally worth it for you to send me to Rice! Now random semi-famous people in Portland dance clubs recognize me for something silly I did seven years ago!)

In a different example, a couple of weeks ago, I recognized one of my city commisioners while walking by the post office. I stopped him, pointing out that I recognized him and that he likely didn't recognize me.

But in that case, we actually had a nice long conversation about the then-recent elections and what was to be done about the state of things in Portland. I felt clever just for being politically active enough to recognize my city commisioner, much less talk politics with him for several minutes.

Maybe that's why I talk to "famous" people. Because I can always turn it into an ego boost. There. I've now learned even more today. Let me put that into the list, along with the remaining things I learned at the dance club.

• I talk to people to feel better about myself. (It's always better to apply principals broadly, no?)
• There is an art to walking around a dance club while holding a drink, what with the people gyrating rapidly around you, rapidly alternating light and shadow, and the bleedingly loud music destroying not only your sense of hearing but in all likelihood your sense of balance as well.
• Everyone looks better with a gaggle (pride? murder?) of attractive women dancing around them.

Finally, I think this is the most important thing I learned at Embers last Thursday night:

• Morrisey does not make for good dance floor fodder, no matter how much the yokels with their stupid signs may convince the DJ otherwise.

more congratulations

But I'm not all bile and poopiness all the time.

Yet more congratulations to Girlfriend Julia who continues to add to her formidable list of successes.

This time, she managed to get herself employed — full time — at St. Mary's for next year. Which means that since she moved up here, she has found twice as many jobs as I have, and infinitely more full-time jobs than I have.

Which is, of course, a wonderful answer to my prayers.

But frankly, I'm tired of writing congratulations-themed entries here, so all further articles of this type will be published on www.congratulationsahoop.com.

puppet government

It used to be that I worried that my government was controlled by a bunch of shortsighted, greedy people more concerned with looking good than doing good.

Perhaps I was being optimistic. It turns out my government also bases its actions in part on the opinions of boy band singers. And shag carpet in a suit, a.k.a. Elmo. And, for heaven's sake, even Benji, who, though incredibly smart for a dog, still cannot speak English.

Or maybe it was a dog that they called "Benji" who looks enough like the original dog, who of course died many years ago. They do the same trick with Jesse Helms, you know.

Of course, the shortsighted, greedy people still do run our country, but it bothers me that they feel the best way to legitimize their positions is to invite celebrities to speak about topics they know nothing about.

Ask yourself if you're happier knowing that your congressman may have voted on strip mining based on the testimony of Backstreet Boy Kevin Richardson (seen at the bottom of this page writing a song about how strip mining pains him so, called "Strip (I Love U So Much It Hurts)").

Whence Kevin's expertise on strip mining? His flights to other cities have sometimes taken him over mountains that have been strip-mined. Also, when he sings, it makes your heart melt.

And now for a case study that I just made up.

Guy 1: Dude, did you hear that Speaker Hastert proposed legislation today that would make it illegal to make disparaging remarks about America or its leaders?

Guy 2: Huh? Dude, I'm watching TV right now ...

And now for the other contrasting case study, which I also just made up.

Guy 1: Hey, I read in USA Today that Lee Greenwood is testifying before Congress on why we need more laws banning un-American speech.

Guy 2: That Lee Greenwood really knows how to write a tune. I really like that song he wrote. Oh, what did you say about Congress? (singing) "And I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free ..."

I mean, is that what our leaders have in mind? It's insulting.

But I suppose this is what happens when you have a country where more voters watch TV than actually bother to vote.

bonus cooking tip!

A special Cock-a-hoop time-saving cooking tip for all you devoted readers!

No one ever sat down to a meal and said, "Oh, if only the tomatoes in this dish had been peeled!"

the phone solicitor

I have this theory that anyone who calls my house wants to talk to me, or else they wouldn't be calling. So when phone solicitors call to yak at me, I try to act as goofy with them as I would with my friends.

Okay, I actually tell them once that I'm not interested, but they're programmed to ignore that statement at least once, which I find rude. So they follow their script, and I follow mine.

DTV: Hello is Beeman Strong there?

Me: No.

DTV: Well, is someone there who can make a decision about his DirectTV service, then?

{Note: we have never had DirectTV at our current house, where we have lived for over six months, so I feel reasonably certain I can have fun with the conversation at this point.}

Me:Yeah, that's me. Not interested.

DTV:Oh, well I was calling to ask why he had chosen to disconnect it.

Me:Oh, um ... I think he was disappointed with the quality of American television in general.

DTV:Sir?

Me:It's all kind of moronic. He was looking for something more ... fulfilling ... intellectually.

DTV:Well, sir, did you try Lifetime?

Me:Oh ... that's kind of "girly", see?

DTV:Hmm.

Me:I think I'd really like to see a sort of "all Upstairs Downstairs, all the time" channel, you know?

DTV:Oh! Have you heard of Cinemax?

Me:Yeaaaah ... But around here, we call it something else ...

DTV:You mean "Skinemax"?

Me:Yeah. And I don't really appreciate that sort of stuff. It's not so ... literary ... if you know what I mean.

DTV:Uh, sir, you can go ahead and be blunt with me. Are you saying you don't like nudity?

Me:Oh, don't get me wrong. I appreciate nudity in the proper context and all, but I think there's enough boobies going around as it is. I was looking for something more ... mentally stimulating.

DTV:Um, do you mean more physically stimulating?

Me:No, I mean mentally, as in not physically, stimulating.

DTV:Oh, because I wasn't sure what you meant by...

Me:You know what I'd really like to see? A channel where they just show "War and Peace".

DTV:Um...

Me:Word for word. You could even just show the pages, slowly scrolling by ... {I start to giggle here}

DTV:{Has been trying to stifle odd giggles for the past several seconds and sounds relieved to find I was kidding} Well, thanks sir. I ... I needed that. It's been a rough day today.

Me:Okay, but we're still not interested in anything.

DTV:Okay, goodbye.

As you may have guessed, I'm the only person around here who gets excited when phone solicitors call.

fuquay, right away

A while back, I wrote an article that listed some of my favorite city names, among them Fuquay-Varina, North Carolina.

I am happy to report that some of my friends recently trekked to this city that has mystified me for weeks now with its odd name.

If you do a web search for "Fuquay-Varina", you won't find much besides some hotels, some local sports teams, and the odd reference to The War for Southern Independence.

But, according to my intrepid friends, if you actually visit good ol' F-V, you'll find "horses, a Brooklynite named Frenchy, grilled pork chops, camping, a 5 cent bottomless cup of coffee, and no trips to Wal-Mart".

Well, okay, that's what they found. Your mileage may vary. I'm still waiting to hear back from someone about the wonders of Tobaccoville.

kibbles 'n' bits

In these topsy-turvy times of "will we die of terrorists outsmarting a bumbling security agency or of a nuclear war that begins on the other side of the world", who has time to write full paragraphs? Accordingly, I present some ideas that have been floating around my head for a while, in everyone's favorite pressed-for-time format, the bulleted list.

• Pizza Hut sent me a flyer recently announcing "The Insider Pizza". No, it's not your favorite thick crust with extra nicotene added to keep you coming back. But it's no less healthy. Instead, they add a full pound of cheese (making them the largest "user" of cheese in the world), both your regular hypercrustal cheese, and the exciting new intercrustal cheese, for those who thought the stuffed crust pizza didn't go far enough. My question: at what point does it become more convenient to shove a can of Easy Cheese pasteurized process cheese spread into your mouth and suck that puppy dry, rather than have to labor over chewing up a cheese-deficient crust? Of course, the former method doesn't afford one the six amazingly differentiable cheeses to be found in "The Insider Pizza", so hey.
• Overheard in the office: "That guy wouldn't know his butt from a hole in the ground!" "Why, did you ask him that question specifically?"
• A happy birthday today to Girlfriend Julia, who is still younger than one of the Star Wars movies. Can you guess which one?
• Found on CNN: "McDonald's Corp. is thinking about expanding beyond food into retailing as the world's largest restaurant chain looks for ways to bolster sluggish sales in the saturated U.S. fast-food market." Hah. I thought that said "saturated-fat food market" for a second there. I was way off base! Hah!
• In a completely unrelated article on CNN, there is talk of Anna Nicole Smith's new reality show, to feature her, her son, and their attorney. Wow. The photo in the CNN article shows Smith just returned from her audition to play Ursula in the new live action version of The Little Mermaid. Ha, kidding ... sort of. Anyhow, the article refers to Ms. Smith as "the busty model-widow". Gosh, I bet that's just what she wanted to be when she grew up.
• You know what? There's a whole 'nother world out there that I am only dimly aware of.
• In case you hadn't heard, Verisign (in addition to many other awful, immoral practices) sent out letters a while ago, asking people to renew their domain name registrations. The only problem being that said domains were not registered with Verisign, and that renewing with the form attached to the letter authorized Verisign to transfer the domains over to them. Jerks. I got one of these letters for one of my domains, and already wised up to the scam by the speediness of the Web, I popped on over to GoDaddy and transferred the domain name that was registered with Verisign to a company that not only is more customer-friendly, but also cheaper, easier to use, and less likely to sell my name to every business on the planet. Go free enterprise, boo former monopolies.