Todd Stadler's blog

maps spelled backwards

Yesterday I received my new favorite spam e-mail. If all unsolicited bulk e-mail were this interesting, I wouldn't mind it as much.

(Confidential to Sugar Daddy in Nigeria: I'm not talking about you. Your e-mails and all-caps style really intrigue me. Send me further details on how you want to handle the money transfer.)

The e-mail said, and I blockquote:

Hello,
If you are a Time Traveler I am going to need the following:

1. A modified mind warping Dimensional Warp Generator # 52 4350a series wrist watch with memory adapter.

2. Reliable carbon based, or silicon based time transducing capacitor.

I need a reliable source!! Please only reply if you are reliable. Send a (SEPARATE) email to me at: {e-mail address deleted}

It's not clear to me if this also needs to be forwarded on to our all-seeing overlords. I think I'll simply trust that they read Cock-a-hoop like the rest of the civilized world.

helping out

Like many Americans, I have many concerns about the Department of Homeland Security bill that recently passed the Senate.

Oh sure, the far-right conspiracy nuts may rant about how we're giving up our privacy.

And it's no surprise that the ever-whiny left continues to complain about, oh, whatever: the Information Awareness Office being headed by convicted Iran-Contra "scandaleer" John Poindexter, or the fact that we even have an Information Awareness Office with projects named Total Information Awareness and a logo that is oddly reminiscent of that of the Illuminati.

And I suppose that people who have done evil in the past may wring their hands about our government finding out about their indiscretions.

Yadda, as they say, yadda yadda.

These things don't concern me, voiced as they are by the obvious fringe of an otherwise law-obiding society.

No, what I'm worried about is how our government is going to collect all this information.

I mean, with 280 million people in the United States, 166 million of whom are Internet users, it seems that the government couldn't possibly collect all of the e-mails out there unless they devoted a whole lot of money to the problem.

And we all know that the United States is strapped for cash right now.

That's why I recently sent the following e-mail to President Bush, Vice President Cheney, and Attorney General Ashcroft to inform them of my plan to do my part as a patriotic American in these fearful times:

Esteemed Sirs:

I have recently become aware of your administration's plan to gather more information on American citizens than was previously legally possible, including, but obviously not limited to collecting private e-mails.

I cannot applaud this move loudly enough. It seems like every new day brings with it a new warning of imminent terrorist attacks and, while nothing has yet come of those, I find myself living in constant fear.

Obviously, something must be done about this, and you have made the obvious deduction that we can no longer afford to simply collect information on suspected terrorists.

In an effort to support this bold new initiative, I am doing my part as an American to let you know I have nothing to hide, as I am not a terrorist.

Accordingly, I will henceforth forward to you all of the e-mails that I write, that my non-terroristic intent may be laid bare for all to see. I have done nothing wrong, so I have nothing to fear.

Although I must admit to my confusion as to how this will help us catch the terrorists, I nonetheless trust that my elected officials obviously know better and will use this data for good.

I thank you for continuing to fight for democracy here and all over the world.

Naturally, I urge all who read this to also join me in our fight for freedom and also forward all your e-mails to president@whitehouse.gov, vice.president@whitehouse.gov, and AskDOJ@usdoj.gov.

It is my hope that our efforts will lead America to an unqualified victory in this war on terror much as it has enjoyed similar successes in its past wars against drugs, Vietnam, poverty, and Iraq (the first time).

[untitled #461]

I just want to say how happy I am with the gift box I drew today (in Photoshop, no less, as my computer lacks Illustrator!) for this Web page. It just makes me smile. Happy little gift box.

And if it makes you want to buy gardening and horticultural books, then so much the better.

Either way, now you know what daddy does at his job all day.

[untitled #460]

I think that I shall never find
A movie as interesting as Bowling for Columbine
Some movies make me laugh, and others stink
But only Michael Moore can make me think.

Oh, sure, it's hyperbole in the guise of bad poetry, but I really did enjoy the movie, and will continue to chew on its many points in the coming days and weeks.

Regardless of your thoughts on Moore and his politics, you really should go see it.

[untitled #459]

I heard Good Charlotte's song "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous" on the new rock alternative today.

And I was reminded that while irony may be dead, its ghost has certainly decided to hang around and annoy everyone.

I say this because the chorus to this song has the following insights into the human condition: "Lifestyles of the rich and the famous, they're always complainin', always complainin'"

I mean, do I have to spell it out for you? Okay, fine.

See, the band's obviously not in any way poor, because poor people don't have a voice on Portland's new rock alternative, except when they call in and request songs about how rich people are bad. And then the band is obviously complaining about ... oh, never mind.

[untitled #458]

Oh, that's rich. According to Communist Party chief Jiang Zemin, China is in the "primary stage of socialism", (NYT) in which capitalism has to blossom before it can be uprooted.

Yeah, the same goes for us in America, too, Jiang. But we're way ahead of you guys on that stage.

the plight of the curds

What follows is a selection of entries from The Food Scientist's private journal. This week, The Food Scientist* experiments with cheese curds.

Sunday, 1:45pm — Hey, Food Front has cheese curds! I don't think I've ever had those. Was it Christy who told me about them once? They seem like a Wisconsin thing. I'll buy them.

Monday 7:37pm — Mmm, I think I'll have some cheese curds for a nice after-dinner snack. I'm really excited! I've never had cheese curds before. I bet they make a really great after-dinner snack. Wow!

Monday 7:41pm — Hm. Okay. I guess they're kind of good, but not as good as regular cheese. They're a bit too ... chewy? Man, I'm kind of down now.

Monday 8:03pm — Great. Now what am I gonna do with a whole pound of cheese curds?

Wednesday 2:17pm — Sometimes I worry about the minority populations in Iraq. Are we concerned enough about their oppression?

Friday 1:30am — What the heck is a cheese curd, anyway, and should I have known that before I purchased them?

Friday 1:37am — I mean, what's the point of supporting labelling genetically modified foods if you don't even know what the food you're eating is? Really!

Friday 10:02am — You know what I could do? I could fry the cheese curds! Yeah, frying has never let me down before! Okay, except that time when I was thirteen and bored from being home alone all summer so I decided to make doughnuts by ripping the crusts off of wheat bread, balling up the rest of the bread and putting it into hot oil. Not that that was bad, but it rather disappointingly failed to make doughnuts. Still, this time will be different.

Friday 12:41pm — I mean, what is frying but sticking things in hot oil? Right? And I guess you need a batter of some sort. I wonder what that involves. I'll look it up later.

Saturday 10:58am — Okay, I don't really feel like looking up any batter recipes. Let's see, I've got an egg here and some flour. Sounds good. I'll dip the cheese curds in the egg and then in the flour.

Saturday 10:59am — So my friend says things fry best when the oil is really hot, and that you can tell the oil is hot enough by flicking some water into it. Man, I'm really excited about this. This time, the cheese curds are gonna rock!

Saturday 11:00am — I'll bet Neil Armstrong felt like this the minute before he stepped onto the moon.

Saturday 11:01am — Here we go. I'm dropping the floured curds into the hot vegetable oil. Four, three, two, ... one! Wow, those puppies really are, um, frying! Look at 'em go. So I wonder how long I should do this for. I guess I'll look for that telltale golden brown hue. As a side note, I'm really impressed with my ability to keep such detailed journal notes while I'm busy frying things. Kudos to me!

Saturday 11:02am — Okay, that was quick. I guess they're done. What was that, a few seconds? I guess they're ready to eat, then. Man, I'm excited! I bet Neil Armstrong felt like this right before he took a big mouthful of moon dust when Buzz Aldrin wasn't looking.

Saturday 11:03am — Oh. My. Gosh. These are so good! Wow! Frying is nature's miracle process. It has transformed cold, chewy cheese curds into light, golden, fluffy, um, nugget delights! Where did all that flavor come from? Certainly not from the oil itself. Have I violated the law of the conservation of flavor? I'll bet Albert Einstein felt like this when he first had something deep fried.

Saturday 11:05am — Okay, well, I've still got lots of egg and cheese curds left, so I might as well fry up the rest. What a great discovery!

Saturday 11:09am — Ready for the second batch. I could eat just fried cheese curds for lunch! And here we go! Hmm, the oil isn't as clean as it was before.

Saturday 11:10am — Okay, things aren't happening as nice as they did the first time. The curds are still frying, but the oil seems to be smoking more.

Saturday 11:11am — Yes, the oil is definitely smoking more. And I don't like the ... ack! The spatula! It's melting!

Saturday 11:12am — Abort! Abort! There's a pot of smoky oil with black gunk in it, and a severely damaged spatula! What do I do? What do I do? Oh why isn't there a section in the cookbook for "what to do when your frying experiment has gone horribly, horribly wrong"?

Saturday 11:14am — Okay, um, this pot of oil needs to cool down, but it's still putting off too much smoke. And yet, if I let it cool down too much, who knows if the pot will ever again be useful? Think, Todd, er, I mean The Food Scientist, think! What would Jeff Smith do?

Saturday 11:15am — Crisis averted. Everything is fine now, except the small patch of dirt under the stairs in the backyard where there is a suspicious patch of black gunk.

Saturday 11:18am — You know, even with the smell of smoke in my nostrils, these remaining fried cheese curds are still tasty. But what am I going to do with all the remaining breaded pre-fry curds?

Saturday 11:23am — I wonder what would happen if I pan-fry the curds, instead?

Thus concludes this week's installment of The Food Scientist. Join us next week when we'll hear The Food Scientist say, "Jumping Jehosaphat! Who knew you could melt cast iron?!"

*Not his real name. Names have been changed to protect the identity of those involved.

bitter sweets

While sifting through all the junk I brought back from Italy, I found a small piece of wax paper.

This paper was from a piece of Baci candy I had in Italy. They wrap each chocolate hazelnut confection with a "poetic love note" translated into six languages, it seems (never mind the concept of a single language of love; it was done away with by an EU committee).

However, I had to wonder about the quote they chose for my piece of candy. Not only could I not find it referenced anywhere on the Internet, but I had to wonder about the romantic quality of the chosen quote.

[untitled #457]

Well, pooh.

[untitled #456]

Hey, I found something useful in Parade magazine!

There I was, struggling to make my way through all four panels in Laugh Parade, when I noticed an ad titled "attention purchasers of Aiwa CD mini systems".

Lo and behold, it was an announcement of a class-action lawsuit filed on behalf of people like myself whose crappy stereo mini systems had long ago failed to read CDs.

Which just goes to show that as long as we have lawyers, things will always work out in the end.

[untitled #455]

Wednesday's Non Sequitur featured a rather prominent drawing of the new iMac.

I've seen this sort of thing before in the comics with the previous incarnation of the iMac, which was hard to miss in the Sunday comics, usually being bright blue and all.

Still, it's hard not to think that Apple has made some kind of deal with the cartoonists or their syndicate for drawing such decidedly un-PC computers.

let the eagle soar

As an Eagle Scout and a Christian, I have to say that I think it's ridiculous that an Eagle Scout in Seattle is being forced to declare a belief in a supreme being or leave the Boy Scouts.

One has to wonder what the Boy Scouts think such a membership requirement will accomplish.

I mean, they could require adherence to a particular faith. This would seem to ensure that all Boy Scouts are that much more "morally straight", at least if you come from the perspective of that faith.

Of course, in this pluralistic age, such rigid definitions would not be popular, and would certainly decimate the population of the Boy Scouts, even if a particularly large faith like Catholicism were chosen.

But even more importantly, it's impossible to really determine adherence to a particular faith. You can check church attendance, but I know from experience that not everyone inside a church believes what's being preached.

And so the Boy Scouts find themselves merely asking people to declare a belief in something — anything! "Mother Nature would be fine," says a Boy Scouts official.

But it's plain that watering down this requirement to such a level makes it absolutely pointless. If merely saying, "okay, fine, I believe in Mother Nature or whatever; now can I have the rank of Eagle Scout?" suffices, then why not simply get rid of the requirement completely? It obviously isn't changing the speaker's mind in any way, much less affecting his behavior.

The fact that the boy in the article was only given a week to make a choice that takes some people lifetimes only renders it even more laughable.

For most people I know (who are not religious), this only serves to point out how ridiculous some of the Boy Scouts' stances are. However, most of them would likely agree that overall it is a fine organization, and they might overlook such problems, should they or someone they know want to be a member.

Ironically, I and those who practice my particular take on Christianity agree that this tenet of the Boy Scouts is undesirable, but we disagree that it should be overlooked. It's hard to champion an organization that all but explicitly states "all religions are the same and of equal value" when one believes such a statement to be false.

For most people, I would expect this to be a minor point, but so it goes with me. And yes, I don't expect that most people who read Cock-a-hoop will know where I'm coming from on this one.